Here I Go Again On My Own.

I feel like a bad, bad person right now. My children have gone to bed in torrents of tears because Daddy is leaving them again in the morning.

As per bloody usual, things never worked out how I wanted them to. My best-laid plans have crumbled like a sandcastle in the high tide. My flighty ambitions have evaporated in the scorching sun of reality. I left Sofia last year with a head full of good intentions and told myself I would never leave my kids again, and now I've let them down.

It seems my plan to live frugally and save up and pay off debts was fatally flawed from the outset. I didn't recognise the fact that my health problems would come to a head again, but they did, and I was actually out of work for a few weeks due to it, and had to claim incapacity benefits for the first time in my life. It felt wretched. I felt the judgemental stares of the world on my back. I couldn't see a way out, with a growing mountain of debt blocking my path. The vultures were circling. I went into a very dark place and fell to an all-time low.

Thanks to the people around me - my wife, kids, parents, siblings, etc., I have pulled myself together. Things have been finally looking up, and I am now on the waiting list for the heart ablation, which will hopefully make things much, much better. I had to fight to get the funding from my PCT, but they have relented, and now I am just waiting for the right time to get it done. I am looking at August this year. Just knowing that I am going to have it done has made a huge difference to my outlook. I think having had a kick up the arse from my mother has also given me some perspective as well.

So this (what seems to be) perfect opportunity has fallen into my lap. I am taking up a consultancy contract position back in Qatar. The pay is really, really good, and the 5/1 week rotation means I won't be away from home for horrendously long amounts of time. With pretty much all my expenses covered by my employer, I am in a good position to finally graft for a while and get some bloody money in the bank and shoo those vultures away.

The job is also something of a change in direction, going into construction claims and law rather than just counting bricks. I've had a little taster of it before, and it is something I am interested in doing. There is more scope for actually thinking about problems and coming up with solutions rather than being a dispassionate, objective observer. I am looking forward to it, and the future potential of this type of work is really attractive.

I've been so positive about it. I have been itching to start, even when the usual red-tape issues threatened to derail the whole thing. I've not felt this excited about a job for a long, long time. Until tonight.

The kids went to bed crying and it broke my heart. I struggled to keep my own tears away, and just managed it. All the positivity drained away for a good hour and the doubts flooded in. I felt like a selfish, heartless piece of shit, to be honest. But now that I've got this out, committed to blogland, I don't feel nearly so bad. I have perspective back, and know that what I'm doing is playing the long game. I'm going to suffer some short-term pain for a whole load of gain a bit further down the road. Getting back on track, getting rid of the debts, giving my family what they need and deserve is what is going to keep me going. Working for 6 days a week in something interesting will keep me occupied and help me avoid the boredom which has often caused me real problems before. Five weeks is going to fly by, and I'll be back before I know it.

So tomorrow is not far away now. My bags are packed - they have been for a while, to be fair - and I'm ready to make the 14-hour trip to Doha.

Let's get it on.